Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Care or Not To Care

Maybe this will be the first time I tell about my feelings inside my blog. I might get all emo-ed up in previous posts which I can't remember but maybe this will be the ultimate of them all. Not to blame anyone. It's just my thought. No one should get offended. But if there are people who might think that I'm talking about them, I'm not here to judge you.

For almost 20 years being on this planet, no one, not a single soul could tell that I'm the most lonely person in this world. Maybe you'll see me laughing like I have no worries, play like I'm not old enough. But deep down, inside of me, no one could tell how lonely I am and how hurt I feels.

After having some deep thoughts, I thought that I might care for others too much. I mean, TOO MUCH. Too much until I can't even care for myself. Too much until I can take all the bullshits people throw at me and  kept it to myself. Honestly, I'm not that strong. My surroundings had made me who I became today. I have to be strong because I never have that someone who care about me.

I'll always be the one who care too much and get hurt. I'll always be the one who appreciate my loved ones too much until I can't even stand when they are hurting. But I just can't remember when was the last time people or even a person has come to me to me and ask this one particular question:

"Are you okay?"

or even

"You need someone to talk? I can lend you my shoulder or ears if you want."

I just can't remember being taken care of. All I remembered is how I took care of others, especially their feelings and couldn't be bothered to care for myself. The first step I've took to take care of myself is I would never let other boys hurt my feelings so if I'm not happy or he being unhappy or just have too much for himself, I'd rather let go than to hurt myself.

I've lost a friend once. A best friend. I don't know whether I'm too complicated or people just don't give a darn about me. People always have that someone or other people that they cared about but me? I'll always be the last to be concerned of. All the time. It's kinda rare for people to ask me how I felt or what do I think about something. My opinions are always wasteful. Am I saying something wrong? Correct me then.

JR said that I can change myself so that I won't hurt that bad. I just can't. Once you've become my friend, I'll always respect you. I'll always come to you whenever I have problems. I'll stay with you through ups and downs. I will.

Everything happens for a reason. Is it because I am not a good friend?
God, help me to go through everything because only You that I can count on right now.

1 Corinthians 10:13 
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 

p/s: Home is the only place that I could think of right now :(